Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize