You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Congratulations! We have a period
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
