you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
