we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
