My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
