Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize