be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
