theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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