my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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