my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
