If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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