I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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