he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
