I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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