dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
