wakey wakey hands off snakey
It's Friday. Sex?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
