Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
