hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
