I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
