yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize