For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
