if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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