oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
