All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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