It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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