Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
