im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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