according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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