You can't special order awesome
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
