tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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