im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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