Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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