You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
