I'm gonna have a badass scar
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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