I think my fart just growled at me.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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