do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
