i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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