Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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