Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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