I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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