So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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