Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
