VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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