I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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