Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
