I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
