I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
