I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
