I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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