i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
