FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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