I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Randomize
