I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize