WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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