what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
