I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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