You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
