My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
