Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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