everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
