I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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