Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
