Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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