Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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