My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
