the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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