watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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