i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize