I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
